Blame and Blindness

Student: Sir, my grade on the presentation was to low. Was it because my topic was offensive? I will not accept the low grade.

Teacher: All topics are permitted in an academic setting. Your grade was a result of your mistakes during the presentation. They were the following: ... you could improve by using the following tricks.

Student: But I showed you my work before I gave the presentation. You should have told me about all of this before my presentation. It is your fault so I will not accept the grade. Ps: I am being oppressed.

Teacher: Your presentation is your responsibility not mine. The grade is final. But, I still would like to help you improve your presentation skills if you like.

Student: I accept your authority but I disagree with your assessment of what I did during my presentation.

The end.

The word play above is a paraphrase of some emails that I read recently between a student and teacher. They traded emails back and forth for a while, but in the end it appeared the student miscommunicated during the presentation which contributed to their poor performance.

Miscommunications happen everyday between people of different cultures. So why was this one so interesting to me?

I think it was because the dialogues happened so rapidly. I was able to watch as both sides struggle to communicate in a blended world where their words didn't mean the same thing and there were limited common vocabularies.

It was like watching two kids coloring in a big poster together with the lovely 64 pack. You give both of them instructions to make the grass green and sky blue and match each other. Then you send them into different rooms with different crayons. You bring them back after 20 minutes and viola! you have a mismatch and conflict.

Another thing that was interesting to me was how the student in their anger looked to blame someone. This only made communication harder since they attack the teacher verbal. The teacher then struggles to not get defensive. Blame and defensiveness are two sides of the same coin. Both force you to put your complicity onto someone or something else. When this happens, you can't see your part in a problem and thus you can't improve next time.

In the end, the greatest lessons I learned from this experience were from watching the teacher's approach. The teacher struggled to aid a person in a way that they did not want and with a problem they felt that they did not have. When the student questioned the teacher answered. When the student rebutted the teacher responded with more information in an effort to help the student see and solve the real skills problem. When the student accused the teacher focused on the problems not the insult.

In the end, I think both student and teacher learned positive things from the experience. I did too. I learned to allow extra time and tolerance for cross cultural communication. I also learned how blame and defensiveness only set hurt feels in like a pen stain in the dryer. They damage and wound us because they blind us to the strapnel still in the wound when the outer flesh heals over.

The greatest freedom in my life came when I realized that I could turn my pain and burdens on to God and draw from his strength at the same time. It is this that allows me to be honest even as I hurt and seek a real solution. The real solution in the end is to look for my own part in the source of the pain and let God take the bullet out. That way the memory of the pain fades and I learn another way not to get shot.